My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
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Not all heroes wear capes.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
I’m an avid indoorsman.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.