My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
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Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Worst bar ever.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet