*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
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*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out