website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
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OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
#Caturday
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house