*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
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Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!