If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
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The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.