11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
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[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Breaking news:
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.