How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
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Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Flock of bats
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*