when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
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There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
Quadruple digit IQ
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
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Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti