me and who
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me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
next level snooze
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Cheer up.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.