T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
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If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
*3.5 thank you very much.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off