You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
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“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
how much for the angry fruit?
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]