Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
You Might Also Like
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
watergate? u mean a dam??
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.