[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
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No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
this is so top tier i cant
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear