Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
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Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Love it! 👍😂
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that