I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
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I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.