Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
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Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.