“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
You Might Also Like
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
My birthstone is a marshmallow
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.