This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
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This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best