Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
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Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
He just like my cat fr
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
And that about sums it up.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine