“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
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tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy