“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
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me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
found this cool rock hiking today
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.