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If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.