that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
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Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?