My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
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I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.