My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
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A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*