Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
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Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Monica just destroyed the internet
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.