HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
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I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that