This why you should mind your business
You Might Also Like
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Carpe DM
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]