If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
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Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”