Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
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If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.