Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
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Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.