that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
You Might Also Like
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Basketball
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Ladies, why y’all do this?