Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
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Selfie
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Yup
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.