I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
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[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
my first dose meeting my second
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen