California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
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In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’