Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
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“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology