If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
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Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
hi why am I like this
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”