[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
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If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Good boy 😂😂
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”