[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
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As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.