ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
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12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’