me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
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Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
🤣😂
Planet of the Apps.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
*puts my mental health in rice
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great