Diabetes was the God of sugar.
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Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
absolutely not
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity