In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
You Might Also Like
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.