Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
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ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me