89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
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Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
This is true.
Aight bet
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.