7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
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Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Ladies, why y’all do this?
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Mountain Goat : )
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later: