I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
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[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!