Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
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It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”