this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
You Might Also Like
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
look at me when i’m typing to you
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.